Two Hearts Walking
by The Trishster
Summary: "I need you to know that I don't want to be a monster anymore. I want to save you from them. From me. Be brave for me." [after the "Left Behind" club debacle in "The Break-Up." some brief language.]


I feel like you're drowning and I can't save you.

I'm actually the one who keeps ducking you under the water, and every time you try to come up for air, there I am, pushing you back down.

And it's sick. It's really sick, because no matter how many times I put your life in danger, you won't let go. You grip my shoulders and try to pull yourself close to me. And with what little air you're getting, you're screaming my name. You're asking me to help you, to save you from everything that's hurting you.

Love, I don't know how to save you from myself. I'm supposed to protect you and stand up for you. But what do I do when I realize that I'm the one tearing you apart?

What do I do when I'm killing you inside but I'm still too stubborn to let you swim away from me?

**-x-**

You're curled into a ball on your bed, awkwardly positioned as you try to hold that giant book in your hands. I can see your eyes darting across the pages. I've never seen you read so quickly before. My chest hurts. I almost wish you hadn't told me why they're so interesting to you, why those novels mean so much. Because now, I can't take back everything I see and everything that I feel. My stomach's beginning to turn.

I'm not strong enough. I've never been strong enough for you.

"...Baby?" You peer over the top edges of your freakish story, pale blue eyes almost looking gray from here. It's like this book is sucking the life right out of you; you look like someone who's seen too much.

There it is again.

I just want to protect you.

Let me protect you.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

I stand from the plush chair in the corner of your room and sit on the edge of your bed, opposite you. "Cuddle with me?"

"Can I finish this chapter first?"

"Please, Britt? I've really missed you and – " I don't have anything else to add to that sentence. It hangs in the air and it laughs at me. I'm such a fucking failure. Christ. I'm going to be sick.

You're confused. You press your lips together and stare at me for a while. I see your fingers curling and uncurling around the book covers. Finally, you close the novel and put it on the nightstand. I take a breath, and I wonder if I'm shivering because my breath leaves me unsteadily. I lay myself out on your bed and hold my arms out to you. You take your time coming to me. I understand.

But I don't.

I don't understand anything.

But I do.

I hold you close and feel the warmth of your body against mine.

I pretend this is right. I pretend this is fair. I pretend that this is just like high school.

I lie and lie and lie, and I say I'm lying for you. To protect you.

God, I'm so sorry.

"San, you're hurting me." I quickly loosen my hold on you.

"Sorry, I'm sorry."

"No, no." You snuggle against me again, your head on my shoulder and your lips brushing my neck. "It hurts in a good way. Do it again."

"Britt – "

"It means you don't want to let go. I don't want you to. So I figure if we just stay like this for the next thirty years, your arms will freeze into that position, and you'll be physically unable to let me go. We'll have to work out a bathroom routine and how to feed Lord Tubbington, but otherwise, this is pretty much foolproof."

I can't swallow and my chest has that stabbing pain again. I don't know how I missed it. How did I miss all of this?

I didn't. I knew. I just thought... I thought...

Let my love be enough to get us through.

I hold you tight. I think I must be suffocating you with this death grip. But you just sigh contentedly and settle into my embrace. Your whole body relaxes in a way it hasn't done in a very long time. You're so comforted by the idea of us being stuck like this forever.

"I wish we could always be like this," I whisper because I don't trust that my voice won't break. "Holding each other in bed...cuddled close...exchanging sweet lady kisses whenever we want."

"Well," you murmur, "that's the plan. Staying still like this will require complete concentration and discipline."

"Baby..." I try to shift so I can see your face. You push all of your weight on me.

"Shush... You're going to ruin it. Now concentrate and hold still, or I'll tell Lord Tubbington that you killed his gang leader. You really don't want to deal with that."

So, I'm silent and immovable. Because that's what you want right now. You just want to be still. You just want to be held. It's the least I can do.

I don't know what else to do.

And the minutes tick by, and my heart can't decide if it wants to race or slow to a stop.

Your breathing slows down, and I think you're falling asleep.

I want you to – I want to hold you as you drift away to that beautiful dream world you've told me so much about. But I can't let that happen. I've tried to give you – us – so much time. But I'm running out.

"Britt... Are you still up?"

You don't answer. You nuzzle my neck for a moment and sigh and you're gone.

I can't.

"Brittany, come on... I need to talk to you."

"No."

"No?"

"No."

I loosen my hold of you, but you don't care. You just press into me more, like you're trying to melt right into my skin.

"What do you mean by 'no'?"

"I know what you're going to say, Santana. And I'm not doing that."

"What was I going to say?"

"I'm not even going to say it."

"Why not?"

You jerk away from me, your eyes wild. Your gaze darts around my face like it did across those stupid book pages. They're watery and cold and I'm sorry.

"Because if I say it, then it's real, and I'm not stupid. I know what you'll do. I know what you're like. You're going to try to fix us, but we're not broken. You've got it all wrong, okay?" You're crying, but those tears won't fall. Not while you're still angry.

I don't know how to explain this to you. I don't know how to say what I have to say. I knew you wouldn't just let me do the right thing. You had to fight. But I don't want to fight anymore. We were fighting and I didn't even know it. But we're worn out. That's the proof. Don't you see it? Don't you feel it?

Be brave for me.

"Do you remember when we talked at that 'Left Behind' club of yours? You told me that how Dottie felt was how you felt when I left for college."

"So?"

"So... It's like you just told me. If you say it, then it's real. You said it hurt when I left you behind. I can't ignore it, now Britt."

You don't say anything else. You just take a deep breath in. You look away from me. You hold yourself together. I want you back in my arms. I want to take everything back. You're hurting because I'm hurting you.

"You have to know that it never ever crossed my mind to give up on us."

"Stop."

"Not once. Not ever."

"Stop it."

"I've tried so hard to be a good girlfriend to you. For you. I have."

"...I know."

"...But it hasn't been enough. And I knew it was a problem, but I didn't realize just how much. I didn't know..."

"Because you hardly speak to me anymore." You still won't look at me. That's okay.

It's not.

It hurts.

It's okay.

"I've been so busy..."

"I know, I know." You sniffle and swipe the long sleeve of your shirt under your nose. "You have all your really hard classes to study for, and all these new friends to make. You have all those new cheerleaders' skirts to look up."

"What?" I can feel my face growing warm.

You shrug. "You used to look up mine all the time when we first met. I thought it was kind of like how dogs sniff each others' butts when they first meet. I figured that's just how you get to know people in Lima Heights Adjacent. I didn't want to insult your culture, and I wanted you to like me, so I never said anything."

"I thought you were cute. I still think you're cute."

You finally turn to me. I take back my previous wishes. I don't want to see your face anymore. You look how I feel.

"Not cute enough," you say with a sad smile.

"Always enough."

"Enough to make you stay? Here with me?" You press your lips together again, but I already saw your bottom lip tremble. "Because my good looks are all I have left to give you, and if that can't keep you here, then I don't know what else to do." And you laugh a bitter laugh that doesn't suit you at all. I was right. Those eyes of yours have seen too much.

Too much sadness.

Too much pain.

Too much of me walking away and disappointing you.

But here I am, ready to do it again.

"What are you saying? You're so much more than that."

"But who cares? Who cares if I am? Not you. You're going to walk out of here and go back to Louisville and we'll go back to you not answering my calls on Skype or my text messages." I wish you wouldn't speak so loudly. I'm losing my nerve. "And I really don't care if I'm more than that. Because the only person I want to look at me and think, 'Wow, she's so beautiful' is you."

"And you ARE beautiful."

"And you're still going to walk away!"

"You wanted me to go!"

Fuck.

You sit back, startled.

I'm sorry.

But you keep pushing and pushing and I hardly understand what you're saying anymore.

Why are we arguing?

You're beautiful. You're gorgeous.

You're everything.

Why are we fighting?

Why can't you just let me do this?

But now I'm mad, and I don't know how to make the anger go away. It's there and it's shouting at you.

"You got that scholarship for me. You wanted me to go to school. And it just amazed me. You amaze me. To do something like that for me, to make sure I was on the right path. You wanted me to be better than I was, and I wanted to make you proud of me." My voice hitches when I say "proud."

"I am – "

"But I'm getting the third degree for doing what you wanted me to do."

"You should see a doctor about your burns, Santana."

"I mean, you're giving me such a hard time. Why am I the bad guy for doing what you wanted?"

I am the bad guy.

No, I'm not. You wanted me to go.

Yes, I am. You needed me here.

"I didn't know it'd be like this. I thought there'd still be time for me in your crazy college life. But you're so busy, doing all of these cool things, and I'm _here_. I'm _stuck_ here, without you, because _I'm stupid_. So many of my friends are gone, and that hurts, but you not being here to link pinkies with hurts the most."

"You're not – "

"I am! I got left back because I'm dumb, just like everyone says. If I wasn't, I could be in Louisville with you. Or we could go to New York with the money your parents gave you. If I'd just been smarter, we wouldn't be talking about this."

"I should have helped you. I would have, if you'd told me that you were failing."

"I didn't want you to be disappointed in me."

"I could have been there for you! We could be together then!"

"I didn't know what to do. I'm sorry!" And your voice breaks and you cover your face with your hands. And it feels like a giant wall is between us. I can see and hear you, but God, all I want to do is hold you.

The silence in this room is overwhelming and I take this opportunity of you looking away to wipe the tears from my cheeks. This is stupid. I shouldn't be crying. This is what I said I was going to do. This is what I wanted. For me, and for you.

"I'm sorry," I say. "I shouldn't be blaming you. I just... You tried so hard for me to succeed. If I'd known what was going on, I would have helped do the same for you."

You shrug and wrap your arms around your legs, a little ball once more. Christ.

"So, now what?" you whisper.

"What do you mean?"

"You want to break up with me."

It's not even a question to you. And that kills me.

"I don't want to break up with you."

"But you're going to."

"Britt, I need you to listen to me." I reach out to touch your shoulder, but you pull away from me. I don't bother to try again. I don't want to fight you anymore. I'm not going to do it.

"I've tried so hard to be the person that you need...I've tried so hard to be the person that you deserve. You're brilliant and beautiful and perfect. And I'm forever going to be trying to match that somehow, to make it feel like I'm worthy of you. And I'm always going to fail." I pause, to let my voice clear out the tears. "Just like I'm failing now. I'm messing things up and I didn't even know it. And I'm sorry."

"So then why can't we just make more time to see each other? I know I can't have you all the time, but I'll take anything more than seeing you every few weeks... It isn't enough."

"What would you want me to do? Drop out of school and move back here?"

"No..."

"Both of us leave and go to New York?"

"No, no..."

"So, I should pretend like you're not hurting, go back to Louisville, and keep doing what we're doing... Right?"

You don't answer. I'm being really harsh. Baby, I'm sorry. I need to get this through to you.

I need you to know that I don't want to be a monster anymore.

I want to save you from them.

From me.

I'm doing this for us.

Just understand.

"It's not easy being away from you, Brittany. I couldn't hold you when you were kicked off the Cheerios. I couldn't kiss you once you found yourself again. I couldn't comfort you when you lost the election – "

"I lost it on purpose."

"What?"

"I..." You suddenly flush, and I don't know what's so embarrassing, you actually worry about saying it. "I decided I should just focus on school. So I can graduate and be with you. As much as I would love to be a two-term president, it would distract me from more important things."

That's what I'm talking about.

I know you can do this. You're so smart.

So let me let go for now.

And we'll do this again later... when we can actually be together.

This isn't fair.

"That was a good decision, Britt."

"Was it?"

"I want to see you do really well in school."

"I just want to see you." Your eyes are piercing into that part of my heart, that part just for you. "Don't do this."

I hope I look braver than I feel. "Let's just do the mature thing, okay?"

You shake your head at me immediately.

"This isn't an official break-up. Nobody's cheated and... It's not because I've stopped loving you. I never could. But we can't keep going on like this. It's not healthy. And..."

You launch yourself across the bed at me. I can feel your hot tears seeping through my shirt. You're not even trying to keep any semblance of control. And that's all I had to keep me going. I try to sniffle quietly.

"San, I'm sad because you're gone. If we do this, you'll be gone forever. How is that supposed to make me less sad?"

"It won't...at first..."

"It won't ever and you know that!"

I swallow hard. "It's the right thing to do."

You sit back again and look at me like I've morphed into some weird sea creature right in front of you. It's like you're horrified and shocked and really pissed that I destroyed your puny boat in the ocean. "For who, Santana? Not you. Not me. Not Lord Tubbington. It's just going to make us all really depressed and Lord Tubbington will start drinking again and you'll find someone else because you can." You look me in the eye, nose running and eyes shedding tears that won't stop. "And I won't because I can't. Because I couldn't... I couldn't ever be with someone that isn't you. I don't want that anymore."

I hold your shoulders and when you resist, I don't let go. I need to keep you here. I need to talk to you. "I don't want to be with anyone but you, Britt. Believe me, please. That's why I'm doing this."

Your sniffling fills my ears and I can barely think. I just want to go to sleep. I just want to go home. I want to get out of here.

"I'm doing this so that I never have to be with anyone else but you again. I'm going to wait for you. And I'm going to focus on college and cheerleading and you're going to focus on school and glee club." I can't even tell if you're listening to me anymore. You're straight-up crying in front of me, and I want to comfort you, but there's nothing I can do except make it worse. "And I'll still try to be there for you as much as I can, because I love you and you're always going to be my absolute best friend."

"San – "

"And once you graduate, I'll be right there, watching you get your diploma. And from then on, it's just you and me, okay? We can do whatever we want and go wherever we want, and we'll go right back to doing everything with each other, like we should. This long-distance thing isn't who we are, Britt. Not because we'd lie or cheat on each other. Not because things might get weird. We can't do this anymore because we're meant to fight the same battles together. We're meant to hold hands all the time, and play with each other's hair, and cry on each other's shoulder. We need to really, actually be together."

"I know..."

I know you do.

I do.

I want you.

I want to help.

"I'm going to miss you," you say with a small, broken voice.

"I'm going to miss you too... So much..."

"This feels a lot like a break-up to me."

"Because it hurts. And – and it hurts so much because it's important to you. Because it matters." I wipe away the tears falling from your pretty blue-gray eyes with my thumb. I'll miss your soft skin. "It hurts me too..."

I settle in as close to you as I can. "You know I love you, don't you?" You don't answer. "And that I'll always love you the most? Because you're going to be the only one."

And I lean in to press my lips against yours, because those trembling lips are destroying me from the inside, and I miss the warmth of your body and mine and I adore you.

You almost don't kiss me back, and I think I'd understand if you didn't. But I guess you change your mind and I'm glad you did because even a sad kiss like this one is better than none at all.

I pull away because I have to, but your eyes are still closed because you won't. And you don't have anything more to say to me, and that's fine.

It's not.

I want to hear your beautiful voice.

But it's fine.

I hug you tightly, so tight that you must be in pain, but I want this and so do you. I hug you and finally, you wrap your arms around me too. You won't let go. I don't want you to. I need thirty more years to freeze in this position. I would do that with you.

"I love you too."

I need thirty years.

I want forever.

**-x-**

So now, I'm walking away. And it isn't for an eternity, but it feels that way. And I have all of these feelings right here – feelings for you – that I almost wish I could walk away from too. But you know I can't. I wouldn't. Like you said, it almost hurts in a good way.

You don't text me for days. I get it though. What's there to say?

_"__I love you but I hate you but I love you."_

_"__Don't come back."_

_"__Please come back."_

_"__I'm sorry."_

_"__I'll make you sorry."_

_"__Can we try something else?"_

You know we'd just end up right back here. And I think you're exhausted. So, you hold your tongue.

After three days and nights without you, I cave. And I cry.

And that's when I knew.

That's when I knew that I didn't know a single thing.

I knew loving you and wanting you weren't enough.

I should have known it would come to this.

And maybe I did.

**-x-**

"_i still think anything is possible w/ u."_

"_and i still think you're the best thing that's ever been mine."_

"_this unicorn is tired of being homeless."_

"_what?"_

"_home is where the heart is, right? well, i'm coming 4 u. C U."_

"_...see you."_

_**-fin-**_

**I don't even know what this is.**

**Just feelings.**

**Different (more melodramatic) take on the break-up thing.**

**I guess.**

**(I've given up on life)**


End file.
